I didn’t read the ingredients on the back because I didn’t want to know.
Why my nights of drunken stupidity not end with me in bed with some sort of female creature but instead in bed with a bottle of horse fat shampoo with its matching conditioner; I will never know.
Did I actually end up in bed with a female horse and she was doing the old “leave some of her stuff at my place to allow for a reason to come back” trick? That would be badass. Not to see the horse again but because the horse washes herself with the fat of her own kind.
MMMMMMM…….Cheese on a cracker……and there is no added salt……These must be good, I can’t wait to ope…..wait they are already open. Interesting, lets check them out.
Wait…What? Where’s the cheese? Is the name of the snack actually a command? Like, “Hey YOU!!! put cheese on these crackers!!!!”
I came across this advertisement for the biggest cellular service in Japan, Softbank. Aside from the fact that this is the company behind this amazing little doodad, the message of this advertisement struck a duet of chords within me. Lets take a look:
Now I am certain there is meaning behind the woman standing under the waterfall, maybe its a reference to something many Buddhist monks do to keep their life in order by sitting under an ice cold waterfall until they feel like they are going to die, but that’s not what got my attention. What caught my eye was not the visual but the verbal. As a company that leads the country in telecommunications, it is eerily humble for them to put a slogan in front of this nearly dead woman that says, “It will greatly displease us if we are not number 1”. Why would the #1 telecommunications company in Japan use a slogan that hinted towards the possibility of NOT being #1?
Then I realized. I was raised in a society that reserves all 3 spots on the podium for #1. In America, admitting to be less then #1 is akin to shooting your own foot. Companies will find some niche where they can claim to be #1 and have PR plaster that all over the place. I realized that although I wasn’t thinking about it every day, or applying this #1 mentality in my life on a conscious level, as I grew up society had ninja’d it into my subconscious, which was why I was erked by this Softbank advert. “一位じゃなきゃヤダー”? Could a company whose survival relied on the confidence of it’s customers really communicate that kind of message? As my thoughts wandered in this direction so did my eyes, as they spotted a very familiar Softbank icon in the corner:
And beneath that cute little Shiro Shiba laid a phrase that shook me back to reality.
一位より大事な事があるだろ。。。
Aren’t there more important things than being #1?
Goddamn you Japan. Your perspective on life is just so……real. #1 in Japan doesn’t mean to physically be in the #1 spot of some arbitrary ranking system, #1 means to be in the constant pursuit of #1. #1 is the paradoxical journey for perfection knowing that such a state is impossible to attain. #1 means 改善 ”kaizen”. Don’t know what “Kaizen” means? Watch this. (Cred to my man Chris Lin from orcaauto.com for introducing me to this video and concept.)
Japanese society is not content with holding the #1 spot. Why do you think they let South Korea take their spot in the electronics market? They have much more noble fish to fry. Seeing a big company post an advert that held true to such a internationally misunderstood philosophy was a breath of fresh air for me.
I tip my hat to you Japan. And don’t worry, it isn’t a fedora.
This video is torn. One side is saying, “We are a bunch of heartless dudes using real emotion from girls for more clicks on youtube” and the other side is saying, “we are bunch of noble saints, helping women (after their hearts are broken when they realize the guy ain’t calling back) learn to control their emotions so they aren’t so easily manipulated by a dude singing”
This is what I am saying in my own head, “Congrats to what I hope were the countless women who didn’t make the cut because they just walked away from the dude’s balls dangling from the guitar without a single reaction.”
Unlike the anal cavity that is visually exposed when one grips the inner lining of ones butt cheeks and vigorously pulls apart, this red eye looks and tastes great. Since I don’t think Asahi has plans of releasing this product internationally, I think they will be sheltered from mass critisism with this hawkeyed choice of a name. Heres to hope that this drink doesn’t result in a pink eye. CHEERS!!?!
This video perfectly illustrates why Heineken is a shitty beer.
Beer is a product that contains 4 things: water, malts(starch source), hops, and yeast . You can achieve various types of beer by adjusting the ratio of these 4 ingredients and the style and length they are combined.
Simple yet complex. Nevertheless, beer ends here.
It appears Heineken doesn’t agree.
Somehow, according to the advert, the minds at Heineken believe that intrigue is an important ingredient in beer and want to show the world the amount of intrigue they put into their product. This would wonderfully attract me to Heineken’s product if the amount of intrigue in a beer was what satisfied my addiction. Sadly, it is only a balanced combination of body, bitter and bite using the 4 ingredients I mentioned above that satiates my needs.
Here is another video that illustrates Heineken’s utter confusion about what should go into a bottle of quality beer.
Here Heineken thinks the world needs to know how much sexual foreplay, jealousy, and sliding beer bottles down the bar exists in their beer.
Here Heineken shows why they think the ingredients feminist induced romance and forcing men to be gentlemen are necessary to make a delicious beer.
Here Heineken experiments with various doses of potentially embarrassing candid karaoke performances and huge amounts of time and money to simply make people smile to see how it changes the flavor of their beer.
I don’t know what ingredient Heineken is playing with here. Humor maybe? I really can’t tell.
Honestly, judging from Heineken’s commercials, I have no idea what their product is. My experience tells me it is beer but the last time I had a Heineken(which was never) I couldn’t recall it containing any of the ingredients these commercials advertise.
They spend so much time advertising ingredients that don’t even exist in beer that it doesn’t surprise me that their product ends up tasting the way it does i.e. water, malt, hops, and yeast that are combined in a way that barely qualifies as beer but in my mind is much closer to shit.
And then it dawned on me. Unlike real beer products like this, Heineken is a fake beer product. The distinction here between real and fake was very important to my understanding and development of my theory. If the goal of a product is focused on characteristics inherent to that product – that product is real. If the goal of a product is focused on characteristics that are NOT inherent of the product – that product is fake.
Time for some examples strategically picked, by me, to justify my theory -AKA- audience mind manipulation -AKA- selling an idea -AKA- affective communication -AKA- effective communication.
Here is a fake beer product
Here is a real beer product
Another fake beer product.
Another real beer product
Fake.
Real.
Heineken, among other fake beer products, focus their product development around characteristics that are related to the consumption of beer e.g. sex, partying, enduring hot summers etc. Although very closely related to beer, they are not characteristics inherent to beer and therefore a product developed around them cannot be considered real beer. Heineken, among other fake beer products, do this by first developing a minimum viable product (a combination and preparation of the 4 ingredients of real beer until a liquid that tastes similar to real beer is produced) and then focus all subsequent development of the product on the aforementioned characteristics of sex, partying, enduring hot summers etc. This primarily takes the form of complex advertising campaigns with the occasional iteration of the minimum viable product to assure it conforms per the evolution of society. The reason these fake beer products are better known than the real ones is simply because there are more fake people than there are real people.
Now, as with all theories, there are exceptions.
Here is an exception of a real beer that has reached similar levels of popularity as fake beer products.
The following is an example of a hybrid beer product that is both…..
Despite its free nature, It wasn’t really speaking to me so I made a few adjustments.
As you will clearly see, I think my tact makeover of this most certainly boring game will reflect a much more promising future to the masses of people who have flicked their share of mindless app regurgitations.
I mean, the question that begs an answer is – How does one make a game out of fucking tennis?
Also, the emotion this man is expressing in this new context perfectly illustrates how I feel 5 minutes into any tennis match I get pulled into whenever my grandparents come down to visit.
Thumb Tacts 